IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU

Reading time: 4-6 minutes

Belakangan hari ini aku sangat overwhelmed dengan semua kegiatan, pergaulan, perasaan dan semua pemikiran yang ada. Bergejolak. I’m so exhausted - my energy is drained. Not that I am not grateful of my life, but I just hate the fact that it is really hard for me to control my mind and emotions. It’s me against myself. When the devil cannot attack you from the outside, from your surroundings, he will attack you from your inside through your mind and emotions. Sometimes we let our thoughts and emotions consume us. We feed them. Cape tsayyyy haha.

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Sekitar 6 bulan yang lalu aku mengalami yang namanya ‘’rock bottom”  - the lowest possible level of my life and I didn’t see it coming. (Aku bakal share tentang ini di postingan terpisah). Sejak saat itu, I’m questioning myself.  WHAT SHOULD I DO NOW?

Proses demi proses aku jalani, dari mulai ga bisa makan, mual, mules, mood drop, perjalanan hati dan kaki kesana kemari, berusaha bangkit kembali dari keterpurukan (halah drama haha). Sampai akhirnya, dari proses perjalanan kaki dan hati ini aku berserah sepenuhnya kepada Tuhan. Izinkan aku share apa yang aku dapat dan alami selama aku di proses beberapa bulan ini - tapi sorry kalau ga berurutan or kurang nyambung haha soalnya aku langsung type dan ga pake mikir. I will edit it again later. 

WHAT’S MY PURPOSE IN LIFE?

I  read ‘a purpose driven life’  by Rick Warren when I was 17 back in my uni day - I know my purpose in life is to glorify His name and to make His name fame, but it’s too general…and it took me 10 years until finally I have a clear vision of what should I do in this life. All the process, the journey and all that jazz that took me to where I am at this point. It’s only about to start but even when now I know what’s my purpose I still do it afraid.

DO IT AFRAID?

Yes. Along the way, I still play the “fake it till I make it” game. The vision that He put in my heart is too big it scares me. Kayaknya udah ketakutan duluan geng sebelum memulainya. Tapi aku tetap aja melakukan bagianku, melakukan sebaik-baiknya yang bisa aku lakukan. Takut-takut tapi tetap dilakukan, lalu aku bertanya kenapa ya? Then I know it’s because is not about having faith in my faith but because I’m having Faith in His faith. When you know that it’s from God then it becomes an anchor of your soul, it becomes a hope - and hope does not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us (Rome 5:5 NLT)

KASIH KARUNIAKU CUKUP BAGIMU

Ditengah-tengan perjalanan mencari Tujuan Hidup pasti banyak banget yang kita alami. Jatuh bangun, penolakan, keraguan, ngerasa ga mampu dll yang buat kita capek dan rasanya mau nyerah aja. Tapi aku bersyukur setiap kali aku jatuh, ngga sampai tergeletak karena Dia dengan cara-caranya selalu ingetin aku. Aku inget banget tetiba dapat kalimat “Kasih karuniaku cukup bagimu” waktu aku lagi pelayanan dan aku nangis dong di stage hahaha.

2 Korintus 12:9

Tetapi jawab Tuhan Kepadaku: “Cukuplah kasih karunia-Ku bagimu, sebab justru dalam kelemahanlah kuasa-Ku menjadi sempurna.” Sebab itu terlebih suka aku bermegah atas kelemahanku, supaya kuasa Kristus turun menaungi aku.

What keep me doing what I do now is the confident I found in Him, it’s His promise that I believe He will fulfills, and if it’s from God - He will make a way, He will initiate a divine appointment, He will construct it as the anchor of your soul, He will provides and gives provision to your PURPOSE. All you gotta do is to just be available, do the best  you can and be the best version of your self. 

FOCUS ON ME

Me refers to God. Haduh rasanya ga enak banget kalau udah too overwhelmed or occupied. Trus timbullah itu all the emotions and negative thoughts. But I remember clearly when I heard that soft voice speaks to me clearly to put my focus on Him alone. Secara manusiawi kita pasti terpengaruh or terganggu dengan omongan orang atau keadaan sekitar yang tidak sesuai dengan pemikiran ataupun ekspektasi kita, tapi bukan berarti kita harus fokus kesitu, apalagi untuk hal-hal yang ga bisa kita ubah. Jadi daripada stres, pusing atau buang energi mending kita FOKUS ke TUHAN dengan segala KE-TUHAN-AN-NYA (if you know what I mean)

Matius 6:33

Tetapi carilah dahulu kerajaan Allah dan kebenarannya, maka semuanya itu akan ditambahkan kepadamu. 

So, at this stage of life what I can conclude is that my life is not only about my life, it’s not only me but it’s all about Him and His works. I’m just a tool, as His extended hand to this world. It’s never been an easy journey, I failed many times, I made mistake, I’m not perfect, but it will never stop me to get back on track and work on my purpose because I do it based on love and love never fails.