.in between

Most of the people who knows me might think I’m one of the strongest human being ever lived. In fact, You WRONG! I’m just a human, an ordinary people who also have weaknesses. Currently I’m facing one of the biggest trouble maker in my life, which is I, MY SELF. I found that the most critical and the hardest moment in my life is when I have to beat and against myself.

If only words can describe how my feelings right now, it could be : “!@$#56$llkgvdcsqgfeqwp0)9y68p[-089={kjk0809()(6p990-tdlh8964$%$&*(_”

Yes. You can’t read it. Neither do I. It’s so terrible.

It’s killing me when I have to deal with the situation when my mind, my soul and my emotion (heart) can NOT sync with each other. These days they called it “Penggalauan”. Sometimes my mind control my heart, and sometimes it happens otherwise. But, at this time I can’t even decide who’s in control because I can’t think clearly. I can’t even decide what I have to do. I think to much, I was too much considering everything. I hate to be in this situation, BATTLEFIELD OF MIND.

I’m too scared to decide what I have to do because I don’t wanna lose, I don’t wanna being rejected, I don’t wanna fail. I just want to play save. But the thing is, If I never fail…how can I get the lesson of life? How can I learn and think differently if I always get what I want according to my plan and my will. How can I be more mature if I always get what I want without any circumstances?

At this point, no one could ever help you. Only you, your self could do. No one could ever understand how you feel because it’s happen within yourself. At this time you really not need to hear a good words or encouragement from others. Words is not enough. People can only talk, they can’t even walk the talk. What you need is just to getaway, find your own quiet place, quiet moment to think and decide to act!

I hate this part, I hate this situation, I hate this process, I’m too tired. I even hate myself. But I have to conquer it. I have to conquer my ego. It’s really hard. I have to have faith in His faith that this too shall pass. I have to trust in Him and not lean on my own understanding. I have to release the faith. I have to let go….and let God.

I need the Guts.